Lessons from Home: I needed this.

Whoa! It’s been quite some time since I’ve been on here, but I’m back. So my time at home and at NASPA is wrapping up. I want to spend the next couple posts reflecting on what I’ve learned since I’ve been home and through my experience with NASPA. Is that okay? I hope so.

So everyone knows how much I complained about you know well, living at home this summer. I wasn’t complaining because I disliked my family. I was complaining because I knew I would be giving up my own personal space and go back to sharing a house with my wonderful, wonderful family. I’m sure you all have a pretty good picture of what life is like with the Maffetts; it’s great, ha! Before I got home, all I could think about was losing that sense of my own space and my own freedom. I dreaded it. There were a couple reasons why I primarily took the internship at home, but living at home was not one of them. I’m not saying this to make my family feel bad or anything, because I know they’re reading this, but I’m just being honest.

Being at home has shown me this is just what I’ve needed. Since I went to college after high school, I’ve been pretty independent. I’ve worked and lived on my own during the academic year and most summers during college. I’m used to taking care of myself and generally living by myself. I’ve housed myself, paid for myself, fed myself, and developed a support system of college friends and res life mentors. That in a sense became my new family. I love it. I love my space and I love being able to do what I want to do on my time.

I’ve also changed a lot. I’ve barely matured, but most of all, I’ve fully come into who I am. High school is always that awkward toss up of trying to be you and trying to fit in. I don’t remember struggling with that too much, but now I am fully Brittany Maffett and continuing to grow more into and learn more about that person. I’m not 100% the same person I was when my family first sent me away for college. Knowing that always causes me a little tension when I go home. There are things about me that just don’t always “fit” with my family, so sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in. I’ve never felt like my family didn’t like me or anything, but I’m just the odd ball at times. My lifestyle is just different from that of my family. I’m sure many are thinking about my sexuality, but it’s not just that. It’s a lot of stuff. The way I talk, socialize, dress, think work, my passions…they’re just different. At school, they aren’t different, so that’s where I generally find my comfort.

Being at home was just what I needed. I’m not the oddball at all. I’m just like the rest of my family and am appreciated as much as everyone else. We all have our differences, mine may be a little more off the deep end than my siblings, but we are still equally my parent’s pride and joy. I am not trying to toot my own horn or anything, but I needed that. I needed that reassurance. It’s come in several ways throughout the summer. The way my mother expresses her love for us is incredible. We’ve never been a big Brady Bunch type family, but we all work hard, love hard, and be the best we can be. From my mom’s chair rants to complaining about my cleanliness to even my traumatic experience, my mother loves me. It’s an incredible love. It’s a love that my own “independence” felt I didn’t need at times.

Isn’t that crazy?

We get so “big” and “on our own” that we feel we don’t need those people and things that really are our core. We make so many friends and go into different jobs and feel like yeah, I got this. Well, when I was in Boyds, MD, who did I call? I needed this summer to really love, appreciate, and respect my family again the way I did when I grow up in this house. I needed this summer to see the value my family places over my life and to assure myself that I’m not the outcast. I needed this summer to fight with my brother again and sing with my sister despite her being unimpressed with my voice. I needed this summer to be with the most important people who I seemed to have pushed aside through my need for independence. I needed this summer to see again why I’m so excited to one day have my own family and share these same memories with my own loved ones.

This is probably the last time, God willing, that I’ll live at home for an extended period of time. It was an incredible time. I hung out with old friends and spent good time with my family. There’s more I could have done, but this lesson right here made it all worth it. I love my family and I hope to never forget or lose that connection no matter where I end up. I don’t want to get so involved in myself and what I’m doing that I forgot it was Charlotte and James raising that brought me where I am. Again, we we were never the big Brady Bunch family, but my parents instilled in me some values that lead me to the success I have today. My parents worked hard; they worked very hard so that we didn’t have to see any struggle or poverty. My parents disciplined us to be respectful and taught us how to talk to people. My parents taught us responsibility. I’m the baby, so I mean you know how that goes, but they held us to a standard and disciplined us when we didn’t meet expectations.

I’ve tried to credit myself and my mentors for where I am, but it’s not me. It’s not them. It’s the only people that I am God’s gift to– my family. I am thankful to have relearned that valuable lesson this summer.

Get Out Of My Room: B= f(P,E)

So you’ve all learned some of the things Charlotte doesn’t mess around with. But a really serious one is her room. There are things we are and are not allowed to do in her room, but mostly are nots.

1. Do not sit on her bed

So the other night, I just got back from the gym and wanted to spend sometime with my mother. That’s pretty normal right? So she has her “sitting chair” in her room, similar to the one she was in the living room. This is where she sits from the time she wakes up to the time she goes downstairs in the morning to her other sitting chair. When she gets home, she undresses in that sitting chair and will relax…..in that chair. Her sitting chair. Mind you, she has a king size bed right next to her. But oh no, don’t sit on her bed. My mom treats her bed like it is the most prized possession she owns. So when I went in her room, I laid across her bed. She kept looking at me nervously and could barely focus on what she was doing.

Finally she said, “uhhh Brittany I don’t like the way you’re sitting on my bed.”

I responded “Mom, it’s a bed, you’re supposed to sit on it.”

She said, “Well, I don’t. I don’t like the way you’re all sprawled out across my bed and you just got back from the gym.”

I laughed and said, “Mom, how am I supposed to sit on it?”

She said, “You’re not. I don’t even sit on it. You’re tearing up my comforter and pillows. Brittany, get down on the floor that is bothering me.”

So I laughed again but more in a you’re being ridiculous voice and said “Mom, you are acting like this is some throne.”

She interjected and said “IT IS MY THRONE NOW GET OFF IT AND I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!”

Well, she told me.

This was all over a bed. A bed that is meant for sitting. But oh no, not Charlotte’s bed. When I got up, she made me fix the three wrinkles I made and acted like I wet her bed or something. You would think that I really just destroyed it the way she was huffing and puffing.

2. Don’t cut your toenails in her room

So a few weeks, no a month, I got a pedicure with Patrick. I got my toe nails painted Virginia Tech colors. Now I’m sure you can imagine that they are a little raggedy by now. I didn’t know where my toe nail clipper was, so I asked the one woman I knew who would have on, my mother.

“Mom do you have a toenail clipper I can use?” me in my sweet, angelic voice.

She acted like she didn’t hear me. My mom doesn’t like for us to use her stuff because she says we either break it or don’t return it.

So I repeated myself and she still did not respond. Finally, the third time is a charm. She hands me this raggedy cuticle clipper and said that’s all she had. Now, I didn’t believe that for a second. My mom is one of those people that buys those little manicure sets just because the case is pretty. But I took what she offered.

So I propped my foot up to get to work. She look at me like this. I swear it was like she was ready to fight.

She said, “Do not clip your toenails in my room. I do not like finding people’s nasty toenails on my floor.” First, who is searching for toenails in the carpet? Only Charlotte…

I laughed as I usually do and said “Mom, stop tripping I will pick them up. I’m only cutting two.”

She said, “No. I’m not playing do not clip your toenails in here.”

So I started clipping them. She said, “So you are just going to do it anyway after I told you not to? I can’t believe that. You are straight up just going to do whatever you want.”

I said, “Mom I’m just clipping two I will pick them up.”

She had enough she said, “GET OUT OF MY ROOM!”

I started hysterically laughing and continued she said, “Get out or I am going to hit you in the head with this shoe!” She sat there waving the shoe over my head. By this time I lost it. I was done for.

She started ranting about how we don’t pay her any attention and how we do whatever we want and continued to tell me to get of her room. So I said, “How are you going to kick me out of your room?”

She said, “This is my room and I can do what I want! I don’t come in y’alls room causing chaos. You all always want to disrupt me in my room. This is my room! Now get out and don’t come back in here with all that foolishness!”

She really kicked me out of her room over some toenails. She also hit me in the head with her shoe.

I can’t make this stuff up.

This made me think about how important space really is. The way we decorate our and live in our spaces communicates a lot about us. It communicates what’s important to us and what are those little things that make us feel at home. Our space is our time to separate from others and just be. A space doesn’t have to be a bedroom or an office; it can be any area that you designate as your own to just be. For my mom, that space is her room and there are rules to that space. Because that is her space, there are things we can and cannot do. Dealbreakers.

Last semester we talked a lot about Lewin’s equation, B= f(P,E). Behavior is a function of person and environment. The way the person interacts within an environment has great implications on his or her behaviors. How I occupy my space versus how I occupy my mother’s space are two different behaviors. Your environment has implications on how you act.

We can’t fully control the P, but we can control the E. When we create spaces and places for friends, families, students, or whoever to occupy, we decide what goes into those spaces and in turn those decisions have implications on what happens within that space. If we take our children’s room and fill them with TV’s, electronics, toys, and mini-fridges stocked with sodas, that has implications on how they do or do not behave and interact with the family. They can chose to disconnect themselves because their environment allows them to have all their needs met in their own space. Why bother leaving your room when everything is right there? Who cares about in-person social interactions when you can shoot zombies and talk to other gamers on your XBOX?

The way we fill our spaces is so important. It’s not just decoration, but it affects our behavior.

Think about how you have your office decorated. Your office communicates things about you that might change the way people interact in it. For example, in the housing and residence life suite there are some offices that I will gladly walk in, while there are some I will not. What the environment says impacts my behavior in that space. For the offices I won’t walk in, I’ll stand at the door and politely ask my question or briskly walk past with an awkward hello. While the offices I will walk in, I’ll take a seat, say hello, and spark up a conversation because the environment makes me feel like it’s okay to do so.

So look around. Look at your space. Who is it inviting in or shutting out? What does your space communicate about you? How are you behaving in your space and how does your space cause others to behave or chose not to even exist in your space?

The way we decorated our cube, or rather, the way Amelia decorated our cube says a lot about us. It says that we made this space ours and want people to come in and comment on the craziness. We made it fun and interny because that’s what and who we are. Our space is fun enough to where it doesn’t drive us crazy from blank walls, but functional enough to where we can still get work done. We pulled an extra chair in, so our space is inviting for someone to sit in for a while or eye-catching enough to where folks walking past might be more likely to say hi. While we weren’t “intentional” about this from the beginning, the environment we created still impacts behavior.

Now I should probably use this space to do some work. Love yaah NASPA.

We Need Those People

Every morning when I get off the MARC train, I see the same people. I see the same homeless people. When I exit the first set of double doors, there’s two men who sit against the wall to the left, one says good morning to as many people as he can while the other shakes his cup for change. When I exit the 1st street secret door, there’s three men who surround the door. The first man is generally sleep while the other two also shake their cup hoping for a friendly passerby. Everyone morning, the busy and well fed commuters brush past them ignoring their good mornings and hungry bellies.

I, too, am one of those commuters.

Yesterday a man stopped me when I was probably 20 feet away from my office. I thought not today sir, I’m almost at work. He went through this whole story about not having money to get back to West Virginia where he lives. He said he was trying to earn $17 to get back on the MARC train. He pulled out his identification and everything. With about $27 in my wallet, I lied to his face and said “I’m sorry sir, I don’t carry cash. Have a good day though.” I felt bad for a second, but went about my day. Something similar happened in Louisville at about 3:00am as a I stumbled home from the Big Gay Dance at ACPA, but I gave into his story so I could get home.

Today, I saw a busy and well fed commuter do something different. She did something that no one has done in my two weeks being here.

A tall, well-dressed woman stopped to the homeless man who greets the commuters good morning and the conversation went like this…

“Hey John! I brought you a sandwich” as she kneeled down and rubbed his shoulder. She didn’t hand him some raggedy McDonald’s sandwich. It was nicely wrapped so he could store some for later.

“Thank you baby! God Bless you!” said John as he graciously took the sandwich

“God Bless you too! You take care of yourself ok?” she said staring into his eyes, something most people probably won’t do. Ut prosim.

Every morning we rush past these people and ignore them. We get angry because they’re begging. We think they should get up and get a job. We put them into a box of people we just ignore. I’m guilty of it. I’m guilty of it everyday. This woman though, she didn’t let her time and life get away from what we all should be doing. She may or may not know his story, but she took the time to learn his name and help him. I always think I’m just a poor graduate student, I can’t help anybody. I just bought a brand new car, I think I can help someone. I don’t care enough to help.

We need those people who still care.

We are an unhappy and uncaring people. We are self-involved and only empowered by our own interests. We complain about providing for our own families and gripe at our children when they behave the way children should. We complain about our jobs, but smile and collect the paycheck every two weeks. We do everything but care on a regular basis. The folks who genuinely do care are often abused and taken advantage of to where their care no longer is seen as care to others but a plan b. My mother is one of those caring people, but my brother takes advantage of it to where she will always be one of those plan b in case his plan goes wrong. If money is a little short, “hey mom I need to borrow this much” with the expectation that she will agree. My mom emailed with one those spammers who want to use your bank account to transfer money for about a month simply to pray with that person and encourage him or her. I bet that was unexpected.

We need those people who still care.

I think the people we can learn this best from are children. When we get older, we become so complex. We become so complexly stupid. Children enjoy those simple things that allows them to care. A few weeks ago I got to play with my supervisor’s kids. Aside from my nieces, I rarely see kids. We played softball, chase, boogey man, and all sorts of games. They didn’t know me from the next person, but they played with me and took time to care about me in that moment. When they went to bed, they hugged me goodnight as if I was someone regularly involved in their life. They cared about me without their own interests in mind.

We need those people who still care.

In student affairs we talk so much about actively caring and doing this and that. Do we really care? I know when I have that paper due the next day, I do not care. Simple as that, I. Do. Not. Care. My job is to care, yet when I get so involved in my own business, I do not care. This happens all the time. We need those people who still care. We need them to teach us how to care. We need something to happen to make us care. When we do care, we become trend carers. For example, everyone was all about KONY. Who talks about it now? Who still cares? We get wrapped up in trend causes and will hashtag anything, but rarely do anything to truly actively care and participate in helping. I’m guilty of it all and who knows if even after this I’ll do something to change my behavior. I guess it’s not an overnight kind of thing, but I wish I cared more.

Charlotte Played Me Yet Again

She wins.

My Mother’s Two Phone Calls

So I heard from my mom two times today. The first time I was at dinner with Israel and Amanda around 5:00pm. The conversation went like this

“Hey uh Brittany. Now I’m not trying to be your blog…okay no let me start with something positive”

She then asked about 5 random uninterested questions about my day and got to her point

“Okay this isn’t anything to joke about but this morning I went downstairs and saw my decorating pillow all smashed and balled up in the chair. It was all tore up and unkempt. Then I looked on the chaise lounge and saw your laptop, books, socks, and all your junk. I’m telling you I’m not going to live like this. This is making me very uncomfortable. Now you can blog all you want, but this weekend we are getting it and you aren’t going to destroy my clean house again.”

Okay mom. Now I didn’t interrupt any of this because I was on hour 10 of an 15 hour day. Instead I smiled thorough the phone and kindly agreed. Mind you, she’s very polite while saying all of this.

So hour 15 rolls around and I’m home. I come in complaining about being tired and she nods along uninterested. Finally I say goodnight and head to my room.

She waits 10 minutes. She calls my cell phone. She calls my cell phone and says

“Now I’m not going to bother you about this, but that basement. When you came home that basement did not look like that. I really don’t appreciate it Brittany. I asked you not to do that. I don’t like it and I want it cleaned. Now I’m not saying tonight, but tomorrow you need to fix that. You didn’t come home to it like that.”

No wonder why she was uninterested in my day. That was on her mind and she wasn’t going to be at ease until she said something. I’m confident she thought about that all night until I got home.

I can’t make this stuff up.

STFU Brittany: Shake it Up

“You keep up too much noise. Don’t you see how quiet we are around here? *points to the hallway* Do you sit up in your apartment and make noise like that?” Mother

“If I want to.” Me

“Well, that’s stupid.” Mother

So my Mom always complains that she is too old now for a bunch of noise. Whenever my brother and I play fight or sing loudly, she goes into this big speech about how her nerves can’t handle that. Oh and don’t dare go in her bedroom making a bunch of noise, that’s an immediate get out.

Now I like being respectful and all, but sometimes you just gotta shake things up.

I like to shake things up at home, work, with friends, at the bar, wherever. Why stick to the monotony of life? So often we get stuck doing just this and just that, that life becomes just living. Life is the single longest thing we do, so why only just do it. Shake it up, do it to the fullest.

When we’re “just” doing something were only doing it because we feel there’s some responsibility for us to do it or we are making it less than what it really is. I’m just a graduate so I can’t do this and that. I’m just going to work because I have to earn a wage. If we defeat the just and simply do things for pure enjoyment, imagine how much more fulfilling our lives could be.

If we shake things up and genuinely do things with purpose and fight the just, imagine how much more of an impact we could have. Do something out of your daily 9 to 5 just to shake things up and say BOOM I still got it. Do that crazy thing your partner thought didn’t exist past the honeymoon phase to shake things up. If we don’t keep ourselves refreshed and shake things up in our lives, life becomes more than the longest thing we do, but also the most boring thing we do.

My mom will tell me to be quiet everyday this summer, but I won’t. My house is generally quiet and boring. Everyone is old and in their own routine. Not I. I’m home and everyone will know. Shake it up!

People always talk about how loud I am. Well that’s me. It’s not that I like being the center attention, who am I kidding– yes I do, but I like to live loud. I’m not saying everyone has to be an extrovert, Lord knows (thanks TED) we need our introverts, but it’s so important to live you and live it loud. Live it loud for everyone to see. Your personality should never been someone’s dealbreaker that sends you through a cycle of self-defeating thoughts.

I’m really the love or hate me kind of person. I’m annoying, I know this. The folks who can’t deal with me, that’s fine! It’s completely fine! It’s not going to make me change who I am. If you don’t live out loud and live beyond the “just” what is the point? I mean there is a point, but don’t disvalue your life and downplay yourself. You’re incredible already.

My House, My Rules

So this morning, I’m sleeping like the precious angel I am. Mind you, I no longer have my own bedroom, so I settled for the couch. The mornings that my mom carpools to work, she comes and sits in her “waiting chair.” Yes, she named it her waiting chair. I’m a decently heavy sleeper, so this usually doesn’t bother me. So she sees me sleeping, looks at me for a second, and makes a statement.

“I know you aren’t sleeping on my good decorating pillow. Don’t you see that’s not a pillow for sleeping? Go get one of those raggedy pillows and sleep on that.”

So, instead of arguing about what pillow is meant for what, I removed it from under my head. It’s a pillow, me sleeping on it isn’t going to do anything. So, I went back to sleep. Two minutes later, I hear the tv turn on. Mind you, I am asleep. She turns it up and casually watches while checking email on her new cell phone that she won’t let me see. I’m feeling a little bold so I get up and turn it down.

She looks at me like this and says

“Now how do you think I’m supposed to hear that.” She rolls her eyes, turns it up, and continues about her business.

Once again, I lose.

Charlotte will always make the rules and regulations for this house. What she says goes. We are expected to abide or well get over it. No exceptions. I asked her if I could make a simple rule and that was that she doesn’t repeat things over and over again. She said this is her house, I don’t get to make any rules.

Well, that’s how life operates I’ve learned. We go from place to place, system to system and have to learn their rules of the game. We have to learn the “Virginia Tech way” or the “McDonald’s way.” When we don’t, we get left behind. We ridicule the system for being unfair or not caring about its members. We criticize and settle for discomfort until a new opportuntity presents itself. When we don’t learn the rules of the game, we become that awkward player that eventually doesn’t get picked for the team anymore. We become that person that is consistently unhappy. We become that person who everyone says “finally” when he or she announce his or her departure.

Now, I’m not a big one for “rules” and all that, but I’m going to credit that to me being a young and dumb graduate student. However, I do know that you have to get in where you fit in. There are some things I did at Salisbury that aren’t going to fly at Virginia Tech. I had a lip ring all summer at Coastal Carolina while serving in a professional role– they loved it! When I wore it at Virginia Tech, I was looked like this by several people. It’s not that it made me less of a person, it just didn’t fit into their rules of the game. No one told me to take it out, but I felt this discomfort, so I did something about it. I took it out and adapted. To me, this wasn’t changing who I was. To me, this was me making sure that I didn’t let something as simple as a lip ring disvalue me as a new person to the people who would quickly form an uninformed opinion about me.

There will always be a few things that are worth shaking or challenging the “rules” a little bit, but chose those carefully. For example, I want a pet. Professionals at VT can have pets, but grads cannot. While I’m sure I don’t understand all the context behind why we cannot, I consistently ask and voice my reasons why I believe I should be allowed to have a pet. Challenging the rules doesn’t mean going out and buying a 50lb dog to make a point. That would just be foolish AND I might lose my job. But working within the system and challenging the rules means appropriately advocating for my concerns, but recognizing at the end of the day there is a reason behind the rule. Will not having a dog change my experience? No, but I’d still like one and feel like I have the support to voice that when appropriate to the appropriate people. For me being probably the most inappropriate person, I sure am saying appropriate a lot.

Rules exist for a reason and it’s probably best to learn them before you try to break them. My director of Housing & Residence Life taught me a valuable lesson when she said she would first get a lay of the land for six months before making any major decisions. Sometimes we just have to sit back and learn the rules of the game before pulling up a seat at the table. If we don’t, well we’ll see how far we make it. You gotta get in where you fit in.

In another post or so, I’m going to contradict this entire thing and talk about when rules interfere with passion and prevent upward growth and creativity. That’s wall you call danger. For now, know the rules and proceed with caution. Next, break all the rules and get the naysayers on your team. Not really, but it’ll make more sense later.

Let me go find an appropriate pillow and go back to sleep.

Life’s Little Deal Breakers

I hadn’t even been home for 12 hours before I got my first complaint from my mom. I called her at work to ask her a question. The conversation took an unexpected turn. She started with “I have a few concerns.” In my mind I’m thinking what the hell did I do already? So being the sweet daughter I am, I said “what’s up, mom?” She said “did you leave the dining room chair out?”

What, lady? You are concerned about a chair being pulled out. I promise, she was serious as a heart attack. Let me show you exactly what her “concern” looks like.

She said it was bothering her all morning and she can’t live like that all summer.

A chair. A chair is my mother’s deal breaker.

Well, it made me think about what are my deal breakers in life. What are the things I absolutely cannot go for? I think it’s important to have those deal breakers. Whether it’s in a relationship, a job, a job search, or even buying a car, you should always be prepared with a list of deal breakers. It reminds me of the second years job searching. In the beginning many of them were restricted to certain jobs, institution types, regions, benefits…their deal breakers. However, once April and May rolled around, those deal breakers started to go away. Of course, life throws you curveballs and you have to adjust as necessary, but what are those things that are non-negotiable?

For my mother, me not pushing the chair in all summer is a non-negotiable. Would she put me out? Well, I don’t know about all that, but she was passionate about it enough to say no way Jose.

I guess with every juncture in our life we set some expectations and hopes of what to get out of it. With that comes those deal breakers. I think it’s important to create realistic deal breakers and stick to them. Not everything can be a deal breaker, but it is worth having some to be able to say in the words of my friend Patrick Jones, “I can’t, I won’t.”

Breaking a deal breaker doesn’t necessarily mean walking away, but maybe evaluating the situation and your expectations and determining if that is truly your “fit.”

I hate when any partner of mine burps in front of me. I’ve told every partner in my past that. Is that an unrealistic deal breaker? Hmm probably. But, lying…oh that’s an automatic deal breaker because I know that I already struggle with trust. From the birth of that lie on, it would be difficult for me to believe anything else. That would be too uncomfortable for me to sustain a healthy relationship…equal signs deal breaker.

What are your deal breakers in your relationships? career? family? aspirations?